Shining Armor: Your Son's Battle For Purity

Hi again!

I was blessed last night with the opportunity to listen to Hal and Melanie Young, of Raising Real Men, speak on the importance of educating our sons to be accountable to God for their purity.  According to statistics from the University of New Hampshire, 93% of young men will have viewed pornography online by the time they are 18 years old.  63% of these young men have watched it for 30 minutes or more.  According to the Center for Disease Control, 47% of boys will have had a sexual encounter by the time they are 17.  This number jumps to 76% by the time they are 19 years old, and of that 76% - 36% will have had multiple partners.  These numbers show little change when education, family background, and religion are filtered in to the equation.  And they are not likely to get any better.  Recent census data shows that men are getting married at age 28 and women at age 26, while just 10 years ago men were marrying at age 23 and women at age 20.  Why the change?  Because are society has made it culturally acceptable to cohabitate and/or "experiment".  So, what do we as parents do?

First, we start building defenses! 

1. Start early!  Teach your children (not just the boys) about the God mandated differences between men and women.  When they ask questions, (i.e. The infamous: "Where do babies come from?") answer clearly and directly but with age appropriate responses and always bringing them back to the word of God.
2. Don't freak out!  When your kids ask these questions or begin having open conversations with you, stay calm.  It's important to let your kids know that you are willing to communicate with them about sensitive subjects so that they don't seek information elsewhere.
3. Answer their real questions!  Hal gave the example of the elementary age boy who asked mom where he came from.  She got flustered and began giving the baby talk and at the end she asked him if he understood all of that.  He said, "Yeah, I think so.  But, Johnny said he was from Cleveland and I just wanted to know where I'm from."  Make sure that you know what question your kid is really asking.
4. Teach the entire context!  When questions arise, teach your children that love, marriage, commitment go hand in hand with childbearing and family life.  And use symbolism to help them understand.  Melanie gave this example on why its important to wait:  Its like that toy you really, really, REALLY want.  And you know Christmas is coming, so you're hoping that you might just get it.  As Christmas approaches, the gifts start piling up under the tree, and soon there is one down there with your name on it.  Not only that, but its the right size and shape to be THAT toy.  So, you pick it up and shake it.  And it feels and sounds like THAT toy.  So, you decide to take a peek.  And, it is THAT toy.  But, wait!  Did you hear that?  Mom is coming down the stairs!  You quickly try to rewrap the present and stuff it under the tree.  On Christmas morning, how are you going to feel when its time to unwrap that gift?  It will be a time of shame and regret instead of joy and happiness.  The same happens when we unwrap God's precious gift of purity before our wedding night.
5. Bring it back to the Bible!  Genesis 1:27 tells us that we are created as sexual beings.  Before the fall, before sin came into the world, in Genesis 1:28 God gave the command to be fruitful and multiply.  Genesis 2:22-25 - God instituted marriage.
6. Don't forget to teach safety!  Predators are everywhere.  Make sure that you have safeguarded your children.

Now that you've built your defenses, its time to engage in the battle by actively Fighting the Temptations!  Remember that your son is not the enemy!

Hal and Melanie's 5 Point Defense System

1. When temptation strikes, leave (change) the situation.  If you're driving down the street and see a "naughty" billboard, leave that street.  If your watching tv and a commercial with scantily clad girls comes on, turn the channel.
2. Pray - Ask God to help you with the temptation.
3. Sing to God - Engage your brain in an activity that will honor God.
4. Read your Bible - Again, engaging your brain and replacing the temptation with the Word!
5. Go to your authority for help.  Stick with your accountability system.  They are there to help.

(Melanie mentioned that these 5 ways put together are like a fist to knock out temptation.  I thought of the Peanuts character of Lucy in the Christmas special convincing Linus.  He says "Give me 5 reasons why."  She replies, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5!" while putting a finger down with each number and making a fist.  Linus:  "Those are good reasons!")

Next, train your children to identify and fight the enemy.  They won't be able to do it on their own unless they know what the enemy looks like.

Avoid Ambushes -- "Secrecy is the enemy of your son's soul."  Encourage everyone in your house to spend time together.  Our society's push for privacy is like fanning the flames.  The more time we all spend together, the less chance that temptation will gain a foothold.  Bring up hormone changes to your son, BEFORE they start.  Control the internet threat by making sure that everyone shares the same accountability.  If its the same for all, nobody can feel threatened.  Lead by example.  Fathers should be honest about the temptations they face.  Mothers should be realistic about what temptations their sons face and not make a joke out of manhood.

But, let's face it.  We are all sinners.  There will be defeats.  So, then what?

• Remember that God already knows.  He was there, He saw it happen.  And...He's ready to forgive.
• Confront the sin in love.  Expect lies and deception and do not accept them.
• Explain the consequences.  Legal dangers - That 16 year old girl who is your own age, is legally still a child!  The mistakes you make now, can (and will) effect your future.
• Intervene - Remove "privacy".  Keep them with you constantly while informing them that its time for some "intense discipleship."  If you haven't already, begin daily accountability by asking "How's your thought life?"  And create ongoing accountability - We ALL need it.
• Most importantly, get them back in the battle.  Jesus didn't tell the woman about to be stoned - Go, hide yourself away in a nunnery.  He put her back in the midst of the battle and said "Go, and sin no more!"

There you have it!  If you should ever get the chance to hear them speak, DO IT!!!  You can also find them on Facebook at Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys.